I've been thinking a lot lately about other people. More specifically, my own inability to let people who are closest to me know what I'm thinking or feeling. I typically have no problem letting people I don't care about or dislike know just what I think of them, but when the tables turn, I don't have the same level of bluntness. Which is probably a good thing. But while my self imposed filter may save some feelings in the short term, it also builds up a wall around me that can be hard to get through. An email I received today sparked this thought, and ended with the words "but wanted you to know my feelings. So many people never say them." I thought about this, and was reminded of a game that seems simple. For every person in your life that means something to you, say something positive about them. We spend so much time, especially among groups of friends, making fun of one another, that this can prove deceptively difficult. Even amongst family members it gets complicated, especially when you center the game in such a negative society. Look at our most popular TV show, American Idol (and the whole reality genre) is set up to watch people fail. While one person eventually wins, the entire premise is based on watching a majority of people fail, and finding reasons for their failure. If it weren't why are their episodes dedicated to the most horrible auditions. And why do sites like votefortheworst succeed? So we can build up the hopes of people just to see them inevitably fail.
All this thinking still hasn't led to a radical transformation in my personality. I'm still an emotionally closed person. But in little steps I think I'm going in a specific direction. What direction that is, I'm not quite sure. I made someone else's day (and my own) by honestly responding to an email. Yesterday I sent out a letter. It will take two weeks to get where it's addressed. In just as little as two weeks ago the ramifications of such a long time in transit would have led me to simply email or even (and I thought about this) taking a picture of the handwritten letter and sending it as an attachment. But there is something to be said for patience, whether it's a virtue or not I'm still debating. And the waiting forces me to think some more, which I've done too little of in the last few years.
To end my post, I want to steal a page from the game I mentioned earlier. I'm still not comfortable with letting everyone know exactly how I feel about them, so I'm withholding names, and simply posting what I wish I had the courage to say in person. You all will have to guess which one belongs to you. Hopefully I won't have made it that hard for you.
Thank you for sacrificing so much to just spend time with me, even if I didn't always appreciate it.
You found courage by leaving. You found even more by not being afraid to come back.
If you sink on that stupid boat, after all the times we should have died on the hill jacked versions you ran back home, I'll be really pissed.
Thank you for always doing everything you could to try and make me happy.
Without you, none of us would be the same.
I admire your tenacity more than you will ever know.
Never have I met anyone who genuinely enjoyed learning about everything as much as you do.
I'm sorry. I just want you to know that.
You have always tried as hard as you can to be a good example for me. And forced me to be an example for others.
You are the most genuinely unique and unapologetic person for who you are, and I wish I had that.
Don't give up the dream, and don't let the music stop. There's no need to settle for less than what you hope to achieve.
You allow me to just be myself, and I thank you for that. I never have to pretend.
For those who don't feel any of these labels apply to you, allow me a last general statement. I treasure each and everyone of you who are my friends, and thank you for putting up with me for this long.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
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