Leaf

It’s been awhile.

I came back, graduated, went to Jersey for an internship, stayed for a job, and moved to Brooklyn. In between I’ve made some new friends and visited old ones. In between greed destroyed our economy, ignorance and hate threatened to do the same to our country, yet hope elected a President with the intelligence and desire to mend both.

There is much to talk about but it will have to wait, because tomorrow, as most every morning, I have to get up to take the J to the F, walk the block to Penn Station and ride into Montclair. Social issues arise and injustice is ever-present, however the climate of the day is not just about presenting the problems but in finding the solutions.

And that is all the hope I need.

Fascists Have Feelings Too

*note: you get two posts today, because I'm feeling especially wordy, and I haven't put up anything for awhile. Please scroll down to get to the other one. Ciao.

I wouldn't consider myself a risk taking person. I don't think too many people would. Rarely do I attempt dangerous things, like sky-diving (never), racing various things (like my dad), or bull-riding (never). I don't even really like roller coasters. The anticipation on that first hill always kills me. By the time the car arrives at the top, the repetitive clink-clink has all but convinced me imminent death approaches. So I sit back and read about others adventures. Or watch movies. I do that a lot. Even music is an outlet for me. I allow the lyrics to tell me a story, or let my imagination run with the flow of the beat. For the most part I live a safe existence, the typical weekend spent hanging out with friends and rehashing moments when adventure came looking for us, or God decided we should do something interesting without much input from us. I consider risk taking to be that of a physical nature.

Over the summer my dad told me that while I may never strap on a helmet and try to hit 200mph, by flying six time zones and an ocean away to a town where they don't speak English and living there for four months, I was doing something he could never imagine himself capable of. Up to that point, I hadn't thought of studying in Italy as a dangerous endeavor. It then occurred to me that everyone perceives risk in various ways. My dad was commenting largely on the fact that I had not made any plans for the first week I was to be in Rome, and was willing to simply wing it when I got there. I would be alone, and away from home without a friend for the first time. For the shy person who is my father, this was an impossible task. For me it was simply a way to gauge how I would deal with the major differences and language barrier at the beginning of my trip, instead of finding out later that I couldn't handle traveling by myself or being put in uncomfortable situations. The most I could lose would be my luggage and some money. If my life wasn't truly in danger, I didn't consider it a risk. But to the man whom I see driving cars on fire, wrecking innumerable times, and still climbing back in or on that seat, it was a social fear. I equate it to the times I'd see him take off on a bike and turn a corner. I hated when he rode far enough away that I couldn't hear the bike anymore, because that meant I couldn't tell if he was still going.

Since being here, I wouldn't say that I've gained any more of a risk taking personality. I have been involved in more dangerous situations than I ever would have encountered back home. A quick run down goes like this:
- walking around Termini with a duffel bag and no map at midnight in Rome, looking for a place to sleep.
- a small confrontation with a recently released from prison for rape drunk skinhead who doesn't really like America (more specifically, President Bush).
- being unable to call a taxi at three in the morning, again in Rome, while trying to find Ciampino Airport.
- second meeting with aforementioned skinhead.
- happening upon a march complete with Communists and Anarchists in Milan, who were relatively peaceful, but followed closely by about fifty police.
- and most recently, being in Prague during a Nazi march which broke into a riot and had cops flying all over the town all night long. No word if my friend was involved.

While I'm not searching these things out, I'm not attempting to actively avoid them either. In Milan I wanted to join the march for a little while. In Prague, I wanted to go see why there were ten cops in a bar smaller than Bagel Street. This weekend I'm going to look down into an active volcano, weather and Roman gods permitting. I'm beginning to understand why that cat died. There are so many things in this world to be curious about, it's impossible to discover all of them solely through books or movies. Music, however, provides a nice soundtrack.

The Rooster Points West

I've been thinking a lot lately about other people. More specifically, my own inability to let people who are closest to me know what I'm thinking or feeling. I typically have no problem letting people I don't care about or dislike know just what I think of them, but when the tables turn, I don't have the same level of bluntness. Which is probably a good thing. But while my self imposed filter may save some feelings in the short term, it also builds up a wall around me that can be hard to get through. An email I received today sparked this thought, and ended with the words "but wanted you to know my feelings. So many people never say them." I thought about this, and was reminded of a game that seems simple. For every person in your life that means something to you, say something positive about them. We spend so much time, especially among groups of friends, making fun of one another, that this can prove deceptively difficult. Even amongst family members it gets complicated, especially when you center the game in such a negative society. Look at our most popular TV show, American Idol (and the whole reality genre) is set up to watch people fail. While one person eventually wins, the entire premise is based on watching a majority of people fail, and finding reasons for their failure. If it weren't why are their episodes dedicated to the most horrible auditions. And why do sites like votefortheworst succeed? So we can build up the hopes of people just to see them inevitably fail.

All this thinking still hasn't led to a radical transformation in my personality. I'm still an emotionally closed person. But in little steps I think I'm going in a specific direction. What direction that is, I'm not quite sure. I made someone else's day (and my own) by honestly responding to an email. Yesterday I sent out a letter. It will take two weeks to get where it's addressed. In just as little as two weeks ago the ramifications of such a long time in transit would have led me to simply email or even (and I thought about this) taking a picture of the handwritten letter and sending it as an attachment. But there is something to be said for patience, whether it's a virtue or not I'm still debating. And the waiting forces me to think some more, which I've done too little of in the last few years.

To end my post, I want to steal a page from the game I mentioned earlier. I'm still not comfortable with letting everyone know exactly how I feel about them, so I'm withholding names, and simply posting what I wish I had the courage to say in person. You all will have to guess which one belongs to you. Hopefully I won't have made it that hard for you.

Thank you for sacrificing so much to just spend time with me, even if I didn't always appreciate it.

You found courage by leaving. You found even more by not being afraid to come back.

If you sink on that stupid boat, after all the times we should have died on the hill jacked versions you ran back home, I'll be really pissed.

Thank you for always doing everything you could to try and make me happy.

Without you, none of us would be the same.

I admire your tenacity more than you will ever know.

Never have I met anyone who genuinely enjoyed learning about everything as much as you do.

I'm sorry. I just want you to know that.

You have always tried as hard as you can to be a good example for me. And forced me to be an example for others.

You are the most genuinely unique and unapologetic person for who you are, and I wish I had that.

Don't give up the dream, and don't let the music stop. There's no need to settle for less than what you hope to achieve.

You allow me to just be myself, and I thank you for that. I never have to pretend.


For those who don't feel any of these labels apply to you, allow me a last general statement. I treasure each and everyone of you who are my friends, and thank you for putting up with me for this long.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Mid-term Exam

The leaves are falling. Colors are changing. Looking out the train window I'm reminded of home. Arriving in Rome reminds me just how far away I actually am. I'm a few days past the half way point of my trip, and I've only just started to realize how close it is to being over. I miss being home, my friends, and family. I miss being able to do something between the hours of 1-4pm besides walk around a ghost town. But these are all things that pale in comparison to the fun I'm having, the friends I'm making, and the adventures I'm forcing myself to go on.

I lie. It doesn't take much force at all. So tomorrow, after my Italian exam, I'm throwing on my backpack and heading to the train station, again. I'll be armed with a Nalgene bottle full of vino rosso, my camera, the nano, and an open mind. In the back of my mind I'll feel bad for those of you getting ready for exams back home, and be fully aware that I too could be stressing over projects, living in computer labs, and writing three term papers due on successive days.

I'll think about all these things while I'm on the train to Milan, with Prague not far behind, and I'll know that you would all be much more upset with me if I weren't doing exactly that. Because to waste the opportunities presented to you is a bigger sin than to indulge while you can.

So, until Tuesday, ci vediamo.

Lazio 0, Fiorentina 1

Much like my face the other night, Lazio was very over-matched in this competition. Fortunately, the fans didn't seem too upset about this, they more accepted the fact their team sucked, then proceeded to blame the president of the club.

"Lotito, Lotito, can you hear me? VAFFANCULO! VAFFANCULO!"

That's a rough translation of the fans yelling at the president (Lotito). I'll let you do your own digging to figure out what vaffanculo means, but feel free to try urbandictionary.com. The chant also just
isn't given true justice without seeing the thousands of people raising their hands in that time honored tradition of the heil Hitler. Lazio is one of the last remaining fascist supported clubs in Europe, along with Ajax and Rotterdam in the Dutch league. I hope it really hurts the feelings of the Nazis when they lose to a team whose jerseys are the same color as Tinky-Winky (that would be Fiorentina).

Despite all this, you better believe the next time I go to a game, I'll sitting (or rather standing) next to the guy holding the large black and baby-blue Lazio flag. Oh, that moat and barrier between the fans and the field? I've already thought of a way, don't worry.

Italian Concrete 1, My Face 0

This seemed an appropriate time as any to start writing, since I don't really feel like going outside. I think the picture is self-explanatory.

Consider this post a pre-cursor to my musings on life, travels around Italy and Europe, and whatever happens to strike my fancy. Complete with pictures! The content of Trembling Rail is not confined to the present or current travels, since I've been here for two months and have lazily just stockpiled stories and photos. So occasionally there will be non-linear jumps around my adventures in the Mediterranean.

For the two of you wondering where the name Trembling Rail comes from, or the purpose behind it, I urge you if you haven't already, to watch Stand by Me.

And if you're still worried about my eye, I leave you with a quote from someone who knows much more about hurting himself than I do, Mr. Knoxville

"My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that."